A Fool’s Step-by-Step Guide to Children’s Publishing

The following steps are a proven way to become a published children’s picture book author:

1. If you want to write picture books, always write rhymes. Even if the story doesn’t make sense, always make sure you don’t have dents. Rhymes are a sure way to become published.

2. Always ask your parent(s) or spouse(s) if they like your writing. If they say “no,” then fire them. If they say “yes,” you will definitely be published soon.

3. Once your Mom says you are good enough, bypass critique groups, organizations like SCBWI, and literary agents. Start emailing your manuscript to every publisher. If you can’t find an email address, call them up and ask to speak directly to the Vice President of the Editing Department.

4. Don’t stress about typos orb grammatical errorings. If you made everything too perfect, all copy editors would lose they jobs. This could have a mass ripple effect for the economony.

5. And don’t worry about so-called submission guidelines. Publishers want you to send your manuscripts as attachments. Trust me, that’s how the real authors do it (it’s true).

6. If you don’t get a response within a week, start calling the publisher. Leave at least one message per day until they call you back. Editors are extremely forgetful people.

7. When you have multiple offers from multiple publishers, demand that they give you a six figure deal and let you pick the illustrator. This way, they’ll know you’re serious. Then, pick the publisher with the longest name (more letters means more books sold). If an editor gives you any negative feedback, immediately void your contract and go to the publisher with the second longest name.

8. After the book is published (a few weeks later), go on a book signing tour, but demand candied pineapple in your dressing room. If said candied pineapple is not provided (or not at a high enough quality), do not go on stage! And fire your manager (unless you manage yourself).